Today - literally today, as in 12 hours from now - I'm going in for an upper endoscopy. I really haven't told anyone about it and I'm sure no one reads this blog (that personally know me). I don't know why...no scratch that. I do know why I haven't told anyone about the procedure. Because everything I've had done up to date (to figure this POTS crap out) has come back with the same answer:Everything is fine.
All the blood work and tests and bla bla bla...everything has come back as "Lia is in PERFECT health"... Yeah. Okay. Great. Thanks. Perfect health sure feels perfect when you can't walk up a flight of stairs without having to take a break to breathe. Perfect health feels perfect when you are so dehydrated because your body can't retain salt that you can't think straight, breathe, stand up, digest food, or drink even a glass of wine without feeling even worse. Perfect health feels perfect when you can't eat ANYTHING without loosing your breath and feeling like there are rocks in your chest (hence the procedure today).
Everything is fine.
And I like to hear such words. Trust me. I don't want ANYTHING to be wrong with me. But...But...I just can't help but know that there is. That someone, everyone, is missing a huge problem. And if just one person, one doctor, anyone, can find it...they can fix it. And I can stop having to live like this. Then for once, yes...everything will be fine.
So, fingers crossed that something will happen soon. I'm, as I told my dear hubby yesterday, sick of this. I'm so utterly BORED of being sick. Of not being able to live up to my potential. Of being handicap. I HATE IT. HATE. Strong words toward something so obscure no one can seem to find it. That one it. Whatever that it may be. "IT" being what's wrong with me.
So, fingers crossed that someone finds it. So IT can go away. I'm tired of IT. I hate IT. Go away IT. We don't need you here anymore...
I don't want anything huge to be IT, but I want IT to be found, and soon. I know this is just not something that one should ever say out loud (hence I'm typing it...) but I feel like my time is running out. And I have so much life left to live! I have children. I have a husband. I have love to love. Words to write. Songs to sing. Hikes to hike. Beaches and mountains and streams and skies. Friends. Family. Beauty. All of it. I don't want to loose anymore of me, but I surely don't want to loose out on life.
So...fingers crossed...
