You ever have moments when you don't feel like you even exist?
Like
you used to be somebody. You had your talents. You had your
pleasures. People knew you by the sound of your voice and the cadence
of your spirit. Boundless energy when conversation flowed toward your
interests and soap boxes. And people listened when they asked you a
question. The actually listened to your answer.
They looked you in the eye.
They asked for you by name.
You existed.
But now...
Now. Nothing.
You
might be able to breathe - sometimes. You might be able to walk into a
room - sometimes. You might even look fine - sometimes. But for the
majority of the time, you can't. And yes, people who know and love you
care and ask about how you are. But they don't really want to hear the
answer. They ask and ramble on with their energy, right over your
answer, so you stop talking. Stop existing.
Can't move. Can't breathe. Can't think. Can't speak and form sentences and even sound intelligent!
I have degrees. I have held jobs. I have talents...I used to be somebody!
Thank God I can edit what I write. Otherwise I'd feel smaller than I do...
I
don't usually do this. Talk about what it's like to have Lyme disease. I
honestly don't want it, despite what doctors said for years before I
got a diagnosis. That I was faking my illness. That I wanted the
attention.
That I was just a depressed housewife.
Actual
diagnosis when I almost died in the ER years ago... If I were a guy and
having an issue with not being able to get it up, they'd have figured
it out! New medical breakthrough! The penis will rise again!...
Be a blond fit woman who doesn't LOOK sick and see what they do.
Nothing.
Probably why I feel like I'm about this [.] small sometimes.
Don't
get me wrong. I have my good days. But even my good days are, bottom
line, unacceptable. They're not me. I'm not even in them. I'm just a
spectator watching from my wheeled seat.
